Most of my best writing happens in kijiji ads then disappears forever. Isn’t that so sad? Well not to me. Flush it all, I say.
Anyway below is one of them in case you’re into reading expired ads.
Looking for a maternity or portrait photographer in Brantford, Ontario?
Hi,
I’m currently building a portrait and maternity portfolio, but while my prices are rock bottom, my work is rock TOP.
Do you need a portrait done for some reason? Listen, I don’t need to know the reason, I’m quite happy to take your portrait NO QUESTIONS ASKED. Skipping town and want to leave a mysterious clue (your portrait) under your fridge to mess with the cops? Don’t care. Are you building a modeling portfolio because you want to travel to Minsk to walk the runway and get discovered and eventually recruited by a foreign espionage agency? I literally do not care. I don’t need to know your reasons, I just want to make you look extremely cool and beautiful and dangerous.
As far as maternity photos go, I’ve only done this once before, and obviously this is a big time in your life. But listen, you can either spend like a thousand dollars on a guy that wants you to stand with your partner, their stomach pushed out into yours in front of a sunset, or you can call me–an adult–and we can actually take a photo you won’t be embarrassed to show your mother. I would LOVE to do maternity shots in an expectant mother’s REAL ENVIRONS. Y’know, the actual kitchen you live in. The actual yard you expect your child to eventually enjoy, instead of in a studio environment that looks like the basement of a black hole, but that’s obviously something we’d discuss.
I shoot film (mostly), so that’s expensive. But I’M not expensive. I’m cheap. And despite this ad, I am excruciatingly normal and if I’m honest, a bit boring. But also a bit fun? I’m a total riddle! Also I’m a male person. And my girlfriend is a female person. And she’ll probably be with me, so set two plates. (Just kidding, we’ll bring our own tupperware sandwiches but please have 2 comfy chairs for our butts to feast on!)
I’m in Toronto, and I can be most places in the GTA, but that’ll depend a whole lot on what you want. Obviously if you have a fantastic idea that requires I be in a bowling alley in Milton, then I guess I’ll find a way to be in a bowling alley in Milton. Your idea is less good but you live next door to me? We can probably work something out there, too. Just tell me what you’re looking for.
I also have some studio space near Paris, Ontario, so if you’re in Brantford, Cambridge, Kitchener-Waterloo, Hamilton, I can probably help you out.
And finally, I also very much enjoy wedding reception/elopement shoots, but haven’t included any of that work here. If you are planning an elopement and want a photographer who is dressed very well, but not SO well that he’ll take attention away from your other male guests, please email me. I know EXACTLY how to dress to make other men feel good about how they look.
PS, if you’re looking for some weird boudoir stuff where I show up and you’re in a robe and it’s really tense and then you pose on a fainting couch on all fours while making vigorous eye contact I’d say that’s a no-go. The good news is there’s probably like 1,000 guys doing that in TO. Honestly good luck with that. It seems like a WILD chore to find a cool boudoir photographer. I dunno. That’s just a guess. Hey, maybe save yourself the headache and just spend that money on a cheese platter and eat it next to that TV channel that shows a fireplace burning. I bet you two will have a ton of fun that night just chatting. But what do I know?
Here’s the serious version of this joke: https://schuylerwillson.com/toronto-film-photographer/
