I love skateboarding.
I’ve never done it.
I’m enthusiastic about skateboarding because it is a cool pastime.
I know who and what skaters are talking about when they discuss skating even though I’ve never done it.
They say “varial” or “tail grind” and I know what they mean.
They say “The Gonz” and I know who they mean.
Street skating is better than Vert skating.
Vert skating is dorky.
Graffiti and street skating are the best art forms because you destroy city property while you’re performing.
I like destroying city property because I detest old white men even though I’ll be one soon or am one already possibly.
“Creative Destruction” is a term I know from Communist Economic Theory by Karl Marx who is a really old white man.
My favourite skater is Andrew Reynolds.
I have a skateboard at my house that I found at the dump.
My friend got a skateboard from his wife. It was the same as one he had as a teenager.
He has a daughter now. He’s supposed to have two but one died.
Street skaters film themselves doing tricks and then edit the successful attempts together which is lying.
Lying is fine because it’s a form of privacy.
I know how to Manual but I can’t do it. I only understand the theory which is the same as not being able to do it.
I’m qualified to criticize skating but not partake in it.
Tony Hawk’s videogame ruined Street skating because you can perform superhuman trick sequences.
When Tony Hawk was young he loved skateboarding more than the average person loves anything. Then he became an old white man and ruined trick expectations and by extension skateboarding.
My friend with the same skateboard twice was supposed to die in a car crash but he lived. I was in the car.
I don’t normally take things from the dump but I made an exception.
To excel at skateboarding you have to make sacrifices just like any other sport.
Sometimes when skateboarders give interviews they sound stupid due to a lack of formal educations.
If I could be anything I would be a professional skateboarder.
It is a solemn activity.
You can author new tricks and then they belong to you and whenever someone else does them it’s flattery.
A lot of tricks are already made up but there are probably some left.
I played violin and piano when I was a boy and didn’t skateboard.
My brother played violin and piano when he was a boy but he did skateboard.
Mark “Gator” Ragowski is in prison for murdering his girlfriend.
He tried to switch from Vert to Street when everyone else agreed that Vert was dorky but he couldn’t succeed.
He was frustrated by his inability to convert.
His girlfriend is in Heaven now but he’ll go to Hell. He also has to pass much of his life in prison before he goes to Hell.
My friend’s daughter is in Heaven.
I cried when he told me she died because he used to be my best friend and he’s still pretty close even though we don’t talk so much anymore.
Rodney Mullen used to skate Freestyle which was even dorkier than Vert.
He switched from Freestyle to Street when everyone decided Freestyle and Vert were dorky and he didn’t have any problems making the switch.
Maybe he did have problems but nobody is in Heaven because of him I know that much.
Skateboards are just decks, wheels, and trucks.
Violins have many parts and take very long to construct.
I have a little bit of formal education but I failed out of University.
I actually quit but I say “failed out” because it sounds more rugged.
I have some things in common with skateboarders and some things in common with old white men.
I have nothing in common with Tony Hawk.
Vert is short for “vertical”.
It means skating ramps or pipes or empty swimming pools.
There was a water shortage in California in the 70’s so kids broke into backyards with their skateboards and skated pools.
The lip of a pool is called the “coping”.
You can grind the coping.
But I can’t.
Instead of making up my own tricks I played songs written by 300-year-old white men.
Other old white men would applaud me if I played well.
Even if I played poorly they would applaud.
Old white men are generous with their acclaim in my experience.
Vert skaters applaud each other by smacking their decks against the coping.
Skateboarders break their bones often.
My friend broke many bones in our car crash.
Our other friend was put in a coma.
He has a daughter now too.
And a chubby son.
And the driver has a son.
I am the only one without a son or daughter even though I was the only one who wasn’t hurt.
I am also the only one without a wife.
My friend whose daughter died has faced many hardships and he is strong.
He believes in Christ.
Christian Hosoi invented the “Christ Air” which is a Vert trick where he gets big air and holds his board in one hand and extends his arms as though he’s being crucified during his hangtime.
Christian Hosoi went to jail for possession of Crystal Methamphetamine where he found Christ who gave him strength just like my friend.
The dump often has many good treasures but my skateboard is the only one I’ve ever retrieved.
“Speed” is the street name for Crystal Methamphetamine.
Vert skaters need speed to get big air.
A synonym for speed is “velocity”.
Street skaters grind down handrails.
They also ollie.
They can do many tricks while they ollie. Kickflips, just to name one.
Violin strings used to be made of cat gut.
To commit fully to one endeavour is to commit to the forfeiture of many others.
This is why Elissa Steamer speaks as though she is uneducated.
She was the first female to appear in Tony Hawk’s videogame.
She is from Florida.
Skateboarders sometimes have tattoos.
Braydon Szafranski has a tattoo of himself on his shoulder which is ludicrous.
Amateur skateboarders compose tapes of themselves doing tricks to send to skate companies in the hopes of being sponsored.
Those tapes are called “sponsor me” tapes.
Survivor’s Guilt was relegated to a component of PTSD in the DSM-IV.
Sponsor me tapes are basically an audition that a skate company can look at to make sure that skater can do a good “part” in their skate videos.
Skate videos used to be a good and lucrative advertising method for skate companies.
Stacy Peralta is the most successful skateboarder of all time by my measure.
At least the most influential.
He was a member of the Z-boys who were those Californian surfers who skated pools during the water shortage.
Jay Adams was also a member and he went to prison later in life.
Stacy Peralta later started Powell/Peralta skateboards as well as the Bones Brigade.
Powell/Peralta released Animal Chin which was a skate video featuring the Bones Brigade.
Tony Hawk was in the Bones Brigade.
So Stacy Peralta ruined skateboarding.
I only mean for laymen.
I shouldn’t be so hard on them.
Everyone deserves a second, third, and fourth chance I know better than most.
I had to practice 1 hour per day and I always made a fuss.
My brother had to make less of a fuss because my mother was so exhausted from all my fusses.
I’ve never told anyone what happened that night.
Old white men applaud by clapping their palms together.
You have to ask permission to take something from the dump which is also ludicrous.
Spike Jonze, Jerry Hsu, and Ed Templeton are all skaters who are photographers as well.
My violin is made from three different trees found within a 160km radius.
Old white men also correct their throats while you perform.
The dump pays you by the kg for metal.
I never will.
Vert skating required mini ramps which required fathers to build them.
Street skating doesn’t require a father.
My violin was built by a man named Tibor who casually uttered the n-word once to compliment a young girl’s beauty despite her race.
He isn’t racist he’s just old which is often the same thing.
Keeping secrets is different than lying when it serves a function beyond deceit that is inherently good or essential.
A skateboard can be used as a weapon so skateboarders are typically more brash than other athletes.
“Old” just means “given up” as in tired of learning.
My friend didn’t have the luxury of lying when his daughter passed away.
It would have been perfectly acceptable for him to have done so.
Instead he had to endure the hardship alone and in public.
He had his wife but we’re all alone really.
Although he had Christ which possibly feels like you’re less alone I wouldn’t know.
Street skating provides brief respite from family troubles but it has its limits.
Many skateboarders have troubles with the law later in life because they lack education or guidance.
My friend made me go to his Church with him after our car crash.
I promised him I would in haste and then forgot.
But he remembered.
An Ollie looks like the board is jumping right along with you but it’s actually an illusion.
You tip the board with your back foot then drag your front foot forward.
Done with enough velocity it looks as though the board is jumping as you jump.
It’s a lie.
A Darkslide is when you ollie onto a ledge and flip the board in the air and then Grind with the board upside down.
It’s called “dark” because the grip tape is what’s grinding and grip tape is typically black.
If you only ever did Darkslides you could keep your board’s graphic intact.
I wonder what Christ thinks of me.
It wasn’t my first time in a Church.
I spent more time than even a devout Christian in Churches when I was young.
Churches are good venues for music written by old white men.
Both performances and rehearsals.
Strangers discuss struggles with substance abuse in Church basements.
Jason Lee is also one of my favourite skaters because he is so “smooth”.
I also competed and took proficiency tests in Churches.
And I won awards for my abilities in Churches.
He is an actor now.
Bach was a Church composer when he was alive.
Christ probably loved him.
Bach is in Heaven with my friend’s daughter and many others.
I took this picture in Florida:
